Skylarkin' . . .

Interesting

2007-04-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer

You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.

A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways.

In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.

You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.

You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

I remember taking the myers briggs personality test in high school and again in college, and I always got ENFP . . . either this quickly test is screwy or I've changed a lot since high school. Or maybe the two aren't mutually exclusive. I know that over the course of the last five years or so, I've definitely become more introverted. It's not that I enjoy people less but rather that I need more time to myself, for myself. Also it probably has to do with being seriously let down by people that I was close to--both friends and boyfriends. . . stuff like that happens and you, or more appropriately, I'm prone to withdraw not just from that person, but from people more generally.

I feel something similar happening now amidst all of the major changes that are happening and about to happen in my life. One thing about turmoil and seismc shifts--they tend to separate the wheat from the chaff. Put another way, you learn who your true friends are. They're the ones who are nothing but happy for you and your success . . . They're the ones who are supportive, not out of self-interest, but because they care more about you than they care about themselves. Sadly, I'm reminded as of late that not everyone is that way. it's particularly hard for me to accept because even in the midst of all of my failure last year on the job market, a point that for many academics is akin to a professional rock bottom, it never occurred to me to be anything but happy for my friends who first got interviews, then campus visits, and then jobs, some of which I applied for. It never occurred to me even when one of these friends got an interview request while we were getting coffee, stressing about the job market. Even then, as I wanted to melt into the linoleum floor from disappointment and frustration, I never thought to be anything less than happy for my friend, who I knew had been working as hard as I had. I guess I wasn't aware, consciously at least, that there are people out there who make these kinds of things about them. I mean, who does that? This is, of course, a rhetorical question.

One of the things that I hate above all else is to be disappointed in people. Note the preposition--I'm not saying that I hate to be disappointed BY people. That kind of thing happens--it's just human nature, especially when you have high standards for others, and I'll admit that I do have high standards. I hate to be disappointed IN people--that's a whole other ballgame that has little to do with me or my standards and everything to do with others and their actions, or lack thereof.

The thing that especially sucks about it is that the people I'm referring to, however obliquely, are exactly the ones that should be nothing but happy for me given the fact that they have benefitted enormously from my experiences, both positive and negative. They know, in other words (if only abstractly) how hard this success was to come by for me. I don't expect them to appreciate what a big deal either the job or the fellowship is since they've not had any experience in academia and haven't walked 10 steps, let alone a mile, in my shoes.

But what I have realized in the last week or so is that there are plenty of people in my life who aren't self-involved and self-absorbed, who are suportive instead of destructive, who know just how hard it is to land a job in an English dept (a quick statistic: according to the most recent information released by the MLA, which granted isn't super-recent, less than half--42% to be exact--of Ph.D.s in English ended up with tenure-track jobs. This statistic is even more dire in my subfield). So the fact that I landed a job, and good one at that, is something to be proud of. It's not the sexiest job of my colleagues, but it's a really good job, and it's a great fit for me personally.

So from this moment on, I'm taking a page out of my new College President's book. She's awesome and her enthusiasm is contagious. When I met her, she told me she was looking for people who were as excited about the college mission as she was, and as far as she was concerned, people could either get on the train or they could get out of the way. I think that's my attitude from here on in.

Now is not the time to flinch!

blogger, I miss you

2007-02-06T14:21:00.000-08:00

Just was reading over these posts and thinking aout how much time has passed since I spent any time here. It's making me strangely nostalgic.

Add that to the fact that I feel like a lousy friend right now. A good friend got a job offer from a good school but for not such great money, and she's having a hard time with it. Personally, I don't think it's about the money, i think it's about the fact that it's scary as hell to contemplate actually taking a job and moving far away. But she doesn't want to hear even remote hints to that effect. She's making excuses. She talks about how she could move somewhere she wants to live and make more money, but she won't acknowledge that there's big change there too, nor will she acknowledge that clearly, if that's what she really wanted, she probably would have done it already . . . She's making things personal that shouldn't be personal--salary negotiations for example. I'm not suggesting that they don't matter or that they shouldn't matter, but it can't be emotional.

I don't know. I know she thinks that I'm being unsupportive, but I can't just tell her what she wants to hear. What kind of friend is that?

Fuck if I know.

I might find myself in a very similar position in a few weeks . . . I have a second interview with a school thousands of miles away. I have to keep telling myself to wait and see. wait and see. If it is horrible, I can say no. If it's not, then it's not. I can't know this stuff before I get there. But what I don't get is why no one tells you how far beynd terrifying this part of the process is. It's way worse than the pre-conference stage. At that point, it's all abstract and some time in the far off future. but now when it gets to this point, things start to get more and more real. less and less abstract. closer. that, quite frankly, scares the bloody hell out of me.

the only other question, knowing me as I do, is why this should come as any kind of a surprise.

2006-10-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

In my refrigerator:
1. carrots
2. beer
3. milk
4. water
5. pita

In my closet:
1. too many shoes
2. clothes
3. suitcases
4. bicycle wheels
5. sleeping bag

In my purse:
The purse is empty, so I'll go with the messenger bag
1. datebook
2. cellphone
3. pens
4. books
5. papers for tomorrow's class

In my car:
1. water bottle
2. gym towel
3. last week's newspaper
4. music stand
5. rollerblades

On my desk:
1. laptop
2. printer
3. tivo remote
4. tape measure
5. headphones

It could be worse . . .

2006-04-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

Rather than being sequestered in the library working on my chapter, I could be one half of the couple I see outside through the window wearing ill-fitted and matching black leather pants.

Besides, I am in one of the most beautiful libraries on the planet, and there's free coffee and free parking, so I really have no cause for complaint.

Turns out that the construction project that is taking over the outside of my apt. building is having an unforeseeable positive side-effect in that the banging and powertools right outside my window at 8.30AM get me out of bed and to the library much earlier and more often than I'd have ever thought possible. Productivity, I've missed you!

Meme

2006-04-05T00:31:00.000-07:00

From Ramblings:

10 Favorites
1. Season: Summer
2. Color: Violet
3. Time: 7:30pm
4. Food: pizza, sushi
5. Drink
Non-alcoholic: Fresca.
Alcoholic: Guinness
6. Ice Cream: vanilla caramel fudge swirl
7. Place: philadelphia, dublin
8. Sport: this second, ncaa men's basketball (Still love you UCLA!), also college football, the Steelers, and the GAA
9. Actor: Hugh Grant
10. Actress: Jennifer Garner

9 Currents
1. Feeling: Thirsty
2. Drink: Water
3. Time: 12:33 AM
4. Show on TV: The Tomorrow People
5. Mobile: Cingular
6. Windows open: 3.
7. Underwear: nothing too exciting
8. Clothes: jeans, and the biggest sweater I own
9. Thought: when is it going to stop raining?!

8 Firsts
1. Nickname: Esmeralda--don't know why my mom called me that
2. Kiss: Matt F. in 9th grade
3. Crush: Peter in 2nd grade.
4. Best Friend: Liesie--next dor neighbor when I was in kindergarten
5. Vehicle: Used 1984 Audi 4000
6. Job: neighborhood babysitter, then swim instructor
7. Date: Marc is 9th grade--we went ice-skating.
8. Pet: Clancy, an Irish Terrier

7 Lasts
1. Drink: Water
2. Kiss: The Super Bowl.
3. Meal: Pizza for dinner.
4. Web site: this one
5. Movie: Munich
6. Phone call: A friend about watching yesterday's basketall game
7. TV Show: The Tomorrow People on DVD

6 Have You Evers
1. Broken the law: I drive kinda fast sometimes
2. Been drunk: Yes
3. Kissed someone you didn't know: No--have always know them at least a little bit
4. Been close to gunfire: No
5. Skinny dipped: No
6. Broken someone's heart: Yes but didn't know it at the time, only found out about it later.

5 Things
1. You can hear right now: the rain, the tv, the keyboard
2. On your bed: Comforter, sheets, pillows
3. You ate today: pizza, apple, carrots, leftover pasta for lunch.
4. You can't live without: computer, something to read, music, the cats.
5. You do when you're bored: watch mindless television, read, run, text message, surf the web.

4 Places You've Been Today
1. Bed
2. Shower
3. mailbox
4. kitchen (okay, so I didn't leave my apartment all day)

3 Things On Your Desk Right Now
1. laptop
2. cellphone
3. blank cds.

2 Choices
1. Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
2. Hot or Cold: probably the opposite of what I am at the moment

1 Place You Want to Visit.
belgium

Kiss Me

2006-03-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

I'm Irish(-American)!
yes, indeed . . .

but I'm spending my St. Paddy's catching up on March Madness and drinking my guinness from a bottle. It's an upgrade from last year's "I drink my guinness in a can," I think, but I'm being slightly ani-social, though not intentionally. None of my friends seem to want to go out, or at least no one called me back . . .

so feeling slighty l.ike a loser, but the alternative, watching March Madness on Tivo with my bottled draught isn't actually unappealing. . . besides, I have a rehearsal tomorrow AM anyway.

And the holiday made me happy to actually work on Yeats today . . .
so it's actually not a bad day at all . . .

From People

2006-03-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

Regarding the recent "snub" of President Bush by Jessica Simpson:

Of President Bush, Joe Simpson added, "We are huge fans of him and of his family, his girls. Jessica loves the heck out of him."

Eew.
wrong on so. many. levels.

2006-02-28T14:52:00.000-08:00

Is it strange that finding both a buffalo nickel and a kansas quarter (also featuring the noble buffalo) would just plain make my day? I have been saving the buffalo quarter in the change pocket of my wallet for a few weeks now just because it makes me happy. Now, as I'm scrounging for vending machine change, I find the buffalo nickel! It's like kismet!

Sometimes it doesn't take that much to make my day.
I think that's a good thing.

Be afraid, be very afraid

2006-02-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

(if you are enrolled in my class anyway)

So my students are just plain old trouble this quarter. Not only are there way to many of them, but they've also had more than enough "issues" to make up a magazine subscription!

First there was A, who apparently didn't realize that enrolling in a class actually meant that he was responsible for doing the assignments for said class, so neglected to turn anything in until I got the department police to track him down and threaten to fail him or withdraw him from the course immediately if he didn't answer one of my many inquiring emails. He's now fine, but he brings with him to our meetings a million arcane questions about writing. I don't necessarily mind answering them, except that he is scheduled for 30 minutes, (which is supposed to 20 to meet and then a few to make notes in his file. He routinely gobbles up 40 or 45 minutes, which throws me off course for the rest of my day. And these questions are so minor and obscure, and in the greater scheme of the pass no pass course, make very very little difference for him. Of course, I can't tell him that, but it's a total damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. First he wasn't doing enough work, now he's overcompensating in a big way. It wouldn't matter so much if there were 31 other people to deal with.

Then there was B, whose internship may or may not have been cancelled during the second week of classes. The show that he was working for was definitely cancelled. The question that we have thus far been unable to answer is what did he know when? He didn't notify us, we found out almost by accident. He went on as if there was no problem. This has caused numerous issues in the past few weeks because if he knew and didn't tell us (which is my suspicion at this point), he's in big trouble with the university. Even if he didn't know, he didn't do enough work to pass the course before the position came to a grinding halt. Initially, we were going to let him write another paper (about the ethics of the situation and academic honesty) so that he could finish out the term without withdrawing from the class. Now it looks like, in addition to being possibly subject to disciplinary action, the dean thinks he should have to drop. I don't know yet what the outcome of this will be but to say that it has been a MAJOR pain in the ass, is about the understatement of the quarter.

Turn your attention now to student , whom I haven't seen in so long that I forgot she was actually enrolled in the course and didn't recognize her when she finally came in this afternoon. (This is a real problem when it is an independent study course that requires meeting with me every other week). I had to explain to her why her lapse in attendance was an issue, and why she needs to make a serious adjustment if she expects to pass the course at this stage of the game (oh, and by the way, she wants to enroll again the my summer version--color me thrilled!--not.)

And finally student D, who came in this afternoon (and who has been one of the more enthusiastic and eager students of the term), and proceeded to tell me that his internship had been terminated because he was caught illegally downloading unreleased copyrighted material at his internship (he was working in the music industry). He was fired on the spot. He knows that what he did was stupid, and he's crushed, and yet he seems to hold out hope that if he can just apologize enough times to the right person, that they'll hire him back. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there was no way in hell that he'd ever work there again, but it's the truth. He may well have to drop the course too, but at least he told me about it and won't have to worry about disciplinary action from the university.

I guess the good news is that after today, I may be down to 30 students, maybe even 29 . . . But I'm wondering what other debacles are awaiting my students in the last few weeks of the term. it seems like there has been something for a different person every week for the last month, so I wonder who is next? and what awful fate they're about the encounter. . .

Work Work Work

2006-02-21T10:08:00.000-08:00

So my appointment schedule today is booked solid, and yet my 10:00 person isn't here yet.
My students have a topic proposal due next week, and this stresses me out because even though the class is P/NP and doesn't count for anything academically (because it is not for letter-grade), I take the assignments and my students very seriously. The last assignment is a 10 page research paper, which most of them haven't had to write before, and which most of them need a lot of help to get right . . .

so in theory, they shouldn't show up 20 minutes late!

Alas.

I can't believe we are into the seventh week of the quarter, and I've yet to start writing my chapter. 32 students, a paper to revise and a panel proposal, plus the need to be supportive of my friends and colleagues who are trying to get jobs (if for no other reason than the karmic obligation to support others so that there will hopefully be someone to support me next year should I have more luck on the job market . . .) but all of that leaves little time or energy for the new material, and I need time and energy in order to break myself out of the dissertation stasis that has set in.

But the good (?) news is that the deadline is becoming more scary and more real, and there's nothing like a deadline to motivate! It scares the pants off me to think that I need to finish and graduate this summer (and perhaps that fear is also contributing to my stasis!), but worse is the fear than I won't.

Anyway, the next few weeks will be good because I'll get a lot of things out of the way--will get the paper and the proposal out the door, will finish the final test-prep class and not have to worry about it any more (maybe ever again), and will not be dumb enough to take 7 extra students next quarter. All of those things will free up brain space and help me to focus on finishing.

And that will be good.
:)

Hypocrisy?

2006-02-10T21:20:00.000-08:00

So it's okay for the paparazzi to push Britney's car off of PCH when it broke down . . .

But then it's also their fault when she "makes a mistake"
and drives away with him on her lap?!

If you don't have something nice to say. . .

2006-02-09T23:09:00.000-08:00

So I managed to somehow choke my golden goose this week.
No, I didn't get kicked out of my graduate program, but I did managed to lose my moonlighting gig as a test-prep instructor.

Here's the scoop.
I am, as many know, finishing my ph.d. and holding a 50% teaching appointment in my dept. on campus. On the side, I also teach test prep for approximately 40 hours a quarter. In the beginning, these classes took a lot more than the in-class time to prepare, but now, all that preparation had finally started to pay off. Or so I thought.

The next version of my class is scheduled to be a "blended" course. My colleagues have decided that for test prep, online courses are the way of the future, so the class was going to be half online and half face-to-face. I was less than thrilled about this, not only because no one had so much as asked me for my opinion about the decision to go online, but also because it meant that I would have to type out all my lecture notes into textbook quality material for half of my lesson plans. The notes I inherited from my predecessor were nowhere near what I would need to make this work, so I was looking at a LOT of extra time over the next few weeks, again unpaid, to get these classes ready. i mentioned my dissertation and dept. teaching right?

In addition, I found out earlier this week that I was also expected to enroll in an online training course for the software that we'd be using. I also found out that this was unpaid (apparently, my getting the training and imprving my teaching was supposed to be payment enough), I like teaching. i really do, but give me a break. This is a job not a leisure time activity. Not only that, but the class had already started two weeks earlier, and my program manager had forgotten that I would need to enroll, so I was already behind and expected to "play catch up" with no extra time allocated for someone else's screw-up.

I mentioned the dissertation, teaching and 40 hours I'm already working for the current class, right?

So to make a long story short, when they told me about this course, I went ballistic.
Ironically, the first email I composed was far worse than the one I sent, which was "mean-spirited." Looking at it now, the one I sent probably did come across as nasty, but I really did think that I had been showing a lot of restraint given the circumstances. In any event, I have a very sarcastic streak, and it just bit me in the ass.

Still, I triple-dog-dare anyone to find a person with a pulse to not be angry at such an oversight. Especially when this is not the first time something like this has happened. It is by far the worst oversight I've been dealt, but stuff like this has happened regularly to me in the time that I've had the job, and it has happened to a coworker too. What makes it especially inexcusable to me is that there were three people who needed the training--one for fall, one for winter, and one for spring (me)
. Why no one told me about this back when the decision was made in the first place absolutely boggles my mind. I could have done it in the fall or in december or even this term if they would have just let me know in advance so that I could plan my schedule accordingly. But apparently three people is too many for my program manager to handle. (sadly, I think she almost dropped the ball on fall person too, but someone else noticed so that instructor got a whole week warning before her training course began!)

One of my tragic flaws is that I have very little patience for incompetence, whether my own or someone else's. Combine that with the fact that I'm already pretty horribly stressed out right now about other matters, it's not surprising that I finally cracked.

Still, it pisses me off that I got fired for my remarks when I had a legitimate (if poorly articulated) response to a pretty major screw-up.

But part of me thinks that they were probably looking for a reason not to offer the class next quarter anyway since no one has signed up for it yet . . . numbers have been decreasing (one of the reasons we were going online in the first place) steadily over the last few years, and apparently the entire program is in jeopardy (not that I'm surprised when it is so poorly managed!).

I wonder what's going to happen now to the spring class. Surely, there's no one else willing to write five lectures worth of material from scratch for free. It was going to be a pain in the ass for me, and I've been doing this for a while now. The other instructors would be starting from nothing (because they teach different exams, and they're all different enough to require substantial work and fuck me if they're getting my materials now!).

They'll find someone to take over eventually, because no matter how horrible the job is, there will be a grad student somewhere desperae enough for extra money to do it. The hourly wage is good--the problem is that they expect you to work a lot of additional hours off the clock (they don't tell you that up front).

I guess the best part of all of this is that it is no longer my problem, and it does get me off the hook for a whole lot of stuff that I would have had to deal with and stress over for the next several weeks. And if I'm going to get fired, at least it was from a job that won't affect my actual career prospects. In fact, most of my advisors didn't think I should be teaching the test-prep anyway, but at the time that I took the job, I really needed the money. Things financially are slightly less claustrophobic for the time being, and I've managed to save a little bit for the first time ever in my life (though it's back to living paycheck to paycheck come march).

Now at least there is one less thing in my life for me to worry about, and you know what, they can keep their money if I can keep my sanity. I just wish that I had kept my cool too, but I guess I've learned something from the whole thing. If only they didn't get to be so sanctimonious about it . . .

note to self: next time, take the high road.

From CNN.com

2006-02-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

"Weight gains among Europeans have been linked to consumption of more American-style fast foods like hamburgers, pizza and sweetened soft drinks, according to a study released on Tuesday.

Why this is news to anyone, I have no idea.
Fast Food is bad for you? They needed a study to figure this out?
Give me a break.

On an unrelated note

2006-02-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

I did my taxes today.
This usually isn't too, firgive the bad pun, taxing, even for my math-addled brain, but for some reason, the CA state return was just impenetrable for me. The problem, I think, was that I did a consulting gig at year's end. I had done the job before a few years ago, bt this time around, the company contracted us out to an independent agency who instead of issuing us W2's like we were their actual employees, gave us 1099's instead.

I had no idea that this would be so complicated. There must be hundreds of thousands of people in this country who earn money as independent contractors of some kind. Maybe they all pay someone else to do their returns. Otherwise, why wouldnt there just be a paragraph in the instructions telling poor schmucks like me how to deal with this. I mean, ther have to be more independent contractors (ICs) in the US than there are lottery winners, right? And there's a paragraph for them (the lottery winners, I mean). There have to be more IC's than innocent spouses of people who committed tax fraud, and yep, there's a paragraph for them . . .

Now lest you think I'm a complete moron, I was able to figure out my federal return after about an hour of surfing and only one call to my dad. The state return, however, was a completely different matter. I'm still not completely confident that I did that one right, but out the seven years I've lived here, I've gotten corrections from the state twice (I overpaid both times), and both of those times, I was sure that I had done everything correctly. So I don't have a lot of faith in my own sense of correctness when it comes to state tax returns. . . I paid what I think I owe, and the math part makes sense. I'm just not sure if I filled out the form right--not the tax form, but the schedule CA where you have to tell them where the extra money (the 1099 paycheck) came from.

The good news is that I should be getting a sweet check from the government (well, I say that fully aware that what I consider "sweet" with my graduate student poverty-line surfing wages is probably way less than what normal people with real jobs consider "sweet") Regardless, I can put a good chunk in the bank for the rainy day which will be next year's job market, and still splurge a little bit on myself!

I now get to imagine the myriad ways I can do such a thing. Of course, anyone who knows me will probably realize that this is basically the equivalent of giving me a gift card (I hoard them!), but there are worse things . . .

Say it isn't so . . .

2006-02-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

First Charlie and Denise . . .
Then Brad and Jen . . .
Then Hilary and Chad . . .
and now
Heather and Richie?!

Is nothing sacred anymore?

My Birthday

2006-01-31T21:39:00.000-08:00

It's not today--in fact, it's not for quite a while, but here's some thoughts about it according to a random internet thingie-ma-bop.

Your Birthdate: October 13

You're dominant and powerful. You always need to be in charge.
While others respect your competence, you can be a bit of a dictator.
Hard working and serious, you never let yourself down.
You are exact and accurate - and you expect others to be the same way.

Your strength: You always get the job done

Your weakness: You're a perfectionist to a fault

Your power color: Gray

Your power symbol: Checkmark

Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Not sure how I feel about the checkmark as my "power symbol"
but I do like gray (though the gray suit I bought didn't get me any job interviews--course, the hiring committees would have snapped me right up had they any sense of how awesome I am in the gray powersuit . . .)
anyway . . .

Thursday Meme

2006-01-26T20:53:00.000-08:00

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Do I really have to go to this stupid meeting at work this AM?

2. How much cash do you have on you? Literally, not a cent. But I have about $67 in my wallet.

3. What's a word that rhymes with TEST? PEST, BEST, STRESSED, MESSED, VEST, FEST, ZEST, WEST, REST, DRESSED, QUEST, NEST, GUEST . . . Okay that was fun. Next word?

4. planet? Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list? Some random guy from a bar. he called to see if I gave him the right number at the bar, left me a voice mail saying that he'd call me the next day , and I never heard from him again. I think his name was Curt. oh well. no great loss.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? I have the Knight Rider theme song right now for Caller ID, and the theme from Halloween for unknowns and restricted numbers. I think they're both pretty cool, but I'm sure I'll get tired of them eventually. The good thing is that my ringer is usually off during the day, so i hardly ever get to hear them, and they stay cool longer!

7. What shirt are you wearing? Steelers jersey #28--Chris Hope! It just got here today, so I'm ready for next weekend. Detroit, here we come!

8. What do you label yourself? I don't label myself

9. Name the brand of shoes you've recently worn. the? as in, there's just one? Saucony, Puma, Franco Sarto, Frye (the best boots ever!)

10. Bright or Dark Room? medium. not too dark, not too light.

11. What were you doing at midnight last night? trying to read and falling asleep instead.

12. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? "I figured that was you."

13. Where is your nearest 7-11? Not sure--but there's another convenience store up the street a block--used to be a stop-n-go, but now it's something else.

14. What's a saying that you say a lot? "motherfucker/what the fuck?" Well, I might not actually say them out loud all that often, but I say them in my head an awful lot.

15. Who told you they loved you last? My mom. All together now: "Awww . . ."

16. Last furry thing you touched? Either a cat or the sweater I just put back in the closet.

17. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days? nothing illegal--vitamins, allergies, the usual.

18. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? I've had a digital camera for several years now, but there is a roll of old-fashioned actual film somewhere in my apartment with pictures of me and my ex before he was my ex. I didn't develop it at the time because we broke up while the roll was in progress and couldn't bear the thought of seeing the pre-carnage shots. Now it's like three years later, and I don't really care enough to find the film and pay to have it developed. It might be interesting though since I think ther are also other pictures on the roll, but I can't remember what they are.

19. Favorite age you have been so far? I think 30 was pretty great, 21 and 22 not bad either . . . I also remember liking 5th grade, 8th grade and my senior year of high school. 31 sucked pretty hard though.

20. your worst enemy? I don't think I really have a specific nemesis right now, but Seattle fans would fit the bill, as would pain-in-my-ass students who haven't done jack yet and are pissing me off.

21. What is your current desktop picture? from ALIAS. Jennifer Garner in the red wig--she so kicked-ass in that pilot.

22. What was the last thing you said to someone? "talk to you soon."

23. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? tough call--I think I'd have to go with the money though--think the novelty of flight would probably wear off after a while, while financial security would make my life a HELL of a lot easier.

24. Do you like someone? I like lots of people.

25. The last song you listened to? "Cross-Eyed Bear" by Damien Rice on the War Child cd.

I got a feelin'

2006-01-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to hear from the boy. If he was going to call, he'd have done it by now (or he'd have at least responded to the email).

But other events today are monumental enough, that I could really care less.
By that I mean, my Steelers beat the unbeatable . . . they went to Indy today, and they actually won.

the slightly spiteful part of me hopes he (the non-calling boy) bet the colts. It's too bad I don't have a bookie, 'cause I'd be in some serious bank after PSU, UT and the last two Steeler games.

There was a brief and shining moment this afternoon when I thought that I might have news on another front, that of the cute-Steeler guy at the var, but after the game, i hung around talking to him for a while, and it turns out that we have some pretty serious ideological differences. In other words, there's no problem in the world, and I mean *no problem* that a thriving and healthy capitalist system can't solve. sigh.

Anyway, whatever. But I'd sure like to know what it is about me that sends these guys running the other direction. Oh well.

un, dos, tres, quattorze!

2006-01-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

FOUR JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE:

1. baby sitter
2. swim instructor/lifeguard
3. waitress
4. telemarketer

FOUR MOVIES I WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:

1. the royal tennenbaums
2. bourne identity
3. about a boy
4. the matrix

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH:

1. Veronica Mars
2. ALIAS
3. The Shield
4. Sex and the City

FOUR PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:

1. Big Sur
2. Dublin
3. Las Vegas
4. Myrtle Beach

FOUR WEBSITES, EXCLUDING BLOGS, I VISIT DAILY:

1. theframes.ie
2. gmail
3. slate.com
4. emusic.com

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:

1. pizza
2. pink lady apples
3. hard pretzels
4. sushi

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE DRINKS:

1. fresca
2. guinness
3. diet coke
4. irish breakfast tea

FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:

1. Dublin
2. Philadelphia
3. Pittsburgh
4. at a bar . . .

Yay Texas!

2006-01-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

Am so glad that someone finally beat those USC jerks--I mean I love Pete Carroll, and I respect what the team has done, but USC fans are some of the most obnoxious and arrogant peple on the planet. I'm glad that the longhorns were able to take them down a notch or two. So to the cute lawyer I met at the bar last night who asked me who he should bet on, I hope you listened and put at least a little bit on Texas. I wish I would have. I also hope that you call me. Finally, I hope that you're right about your friend, that he really isn't as much of a jerk as he seems. Throttling random girls in a bar (me) even in jest is generally not a good idea.

To the other guys in the bar, generally, when a member of the opposite sex calls you the anti-christ, it's not going very well. Cut your losses.

Here are some additional tips:

1) when we ask you a question, answer it. You don't need to prodice dissertation length (or quality) answers. generally, these are just attempts to get to know something about the guy who bought me the drink or is sitting next to me or whatever. I'm not out to get you--if you don't want to talk, don't sit down at my table. If you just sit down and don't say anything, it's weird.

2) If you have already hit on my friend. please don't think that you can just go on down the line and hit on me next. Even if my friend doesn't like you, chances are, I'll be less than thrilled to be your back-up plan. choose your shots carefully before you decide to take them.

3) not a good idea to bring up the divorce in the first 5 minutes of conversation. not that I'm saying you shoud hide it, but I don't need to know that just yet. Spilling those beans so early on says one thing: BAGGAGE.

3B) Lose the wedding ring before you enter the bar if you're looking to meet women (or better, if you are still marred, DON"T LOOK). I don't care if you are going through a difficult divorce, or if there is some horrible story that is preventing you from removing your ring. wearing it sends a very clear message: you are unavailable, either completely or emotionally--either way, I'm not interested. I'm sorry for whatever you're going through, but I'm not going there. Really.

4) When a girl says she's fine with the drink she has, please don't buy her another one just to make a statement. I'm not going to be impressed with your generosity. I'm thinking that you want to get me drunk, or that you have some control issues. Neither is attractive. If I wanted another drink, I'd accept your offer in the first place.

5) If I give you my number, it means I'd like you to call me. If I don't give you my number, then I'm happy to never see you again. Take the hint, and don't keep asking. If you have no intention of calling, do me a favor and don't ask for the number; I won't be offended. I don't actually exect every guy I meet to ask mr for my digits, and I don't give out the number to every guy who does.

anyway . . .
at least it was an interesting evening out.

I didn't think it could get worse . . .

2005-12-16T21:02:00.000-08:00

but it did.

I've still not gotten any calls for interviews, and while I could still get a couple next week, with each day that goes by, I feel that much more discouraged. I guess the good thing is that I have gotten myself to the point where I don't really expect the phone to ring anymore. I'm extremely disappointed and frustrated, but I'm doing my best to accept that it happens. Some of the scholars I respect most in the profession didn't get jobs on their first tries either, so I guess that's not bad company to be in. . . it doesn't make the situation any easier to accept emotionally, but I'm trying not to be completely hopeless. There's a strange surreal quality to the whole thing though--it's like I'm living someone else's nightmare, except that it's really my life.

But what is worse is that today I was meeting with two friends who are also on the market to practice for interviews (which I wasn't all that jazzed about since I don't have any to practice for, but they do and they are my friends--well one is a better friend than the other. . .), so I put on a brave face and went hoping that it would boost my karma or something.

Boy did that backfire. In the middle of our practice session, someone else's phone rings (the girl I am friends with but don't know all that well). Not only did she get an interview, but it was for a job that I had also applied for. I don't begrudge her anything, and she's a very qualified applicant whose work is just very different from mine, but it *really* sucked to be in the room when that happened. I mean, it was one thing when my phone just wasn't ringing, and I knew on some abstract level that other people were getting calls, but this was so much worse. it made the whole dreadful experience all the more real. It was like getting punched in the stomach or just having the wind knocked right out of you. Kinda reminds me of those falls I tok a while back, but on a purely emotional level, if that makes sense.

On top of that, this particular friend is generally clueless so she then started talking about how she didn't think that she would really want the job all that much, but that she'd definitely interview with them, etc., and she's really glad that she's got more than one interview lined up now, blah, blah, blah. Now she didn't know that I had appplied for the job too, but she did know that I have a whopping ZERO interviews, so I wasn't really up for hearing her complain about the fact that she only had the one, because if I did get the one, I'd be pretty psyched. There's a huge difference between zero and one.

Thankfully, my other friend noticed that I had basically clammed up and was trying to make myself evaporate, so she asked if I was okay, and I managed to croak that I had applied for the same job . . . which made the other girl immediately start to say things like, "Well, maybe they'll call you too . . ." (unsurprsingly, they didn't). Part of me is really gald that she felt so terrible about it--it's not her fault, but her general insensitivity about the whole thing was really shocking to me. Maybe now she'll stop her complaining, at least when I'm around, because now I *really* don't want to hear it.

What I find so frustrating is that I know I could do a good job if someone would just give me a chance. The problem is that my project is rather iconclastic, so it doesn't fit into most of the conventional job categories. I know that the work is good, and I know that it makes an important contribution to my field . . . i just need to get in the damned room to convince other people.

But at least the suspense is over for the weekend.

well . . .

2005-12-12T23:05:00.000-08:00

got two more rejections today. One of them I wasn't expecting since the school just hired someone else from my program last year, and if they take anyone else from here, I'd like to think that they'll go with my other friend (her husband) . . . The other one was one I had allowed myself to get kind of excited about, but more because of the location of the school than because of the actual job itself. All is not lost (yet), but with each assing day the prognosis for employment and finanical independence grows a little bit bleaker. I guess it wouldn't be horrible to stay here for anther year, but I hate the thought that my life will be on hold for an entire year more . . .

I don't know.
I don' know if I have it in me to do the treadmill of temporary one-year positions all over the place until one of them finally sticks. But i won't go there until I have to. There's still a chance that I will get an inerview. The job that I really want (despite the ick factor of a now-married jackass of an ex-boyfriend who teaches in a different department at the same school), is still in play, and they said they wouldn't notify those who make it to the next stage until mid-December, so that could mean next week on the typical academic clock. I would like to have more than one interview, but beggars can't be choosers, right? If I only get one, at least I'd like it to be for a job that I really want.

Anyway, that's what's going on this week so far. Could be worse . . . but I'm now wishing that I hadn't gone and bought the clothes . . . Thankfully, no matter what happens, I went with the classics, so as long as I stick with my diet, I should be able to wear everything next year . . .

no news is . . .

2005-12-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

good news?
or not?

I don't know, but that's where I live these days, in the perpetual state of no news and neurosis. I'm told that the process takes time (we are dealing, after al, with not one academic, but an entire committee of them during the end of semester crunch) and that it's still very early on, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like the premautre purchase of interview attire has just doomed me to no interviews.

I had to go shopping over the weekend, faced with the luxury of both a little bit of free time and some good sale prices, I couldn't just wait and see if the occasion would present itself again. As a grad student, I don't have the luxury of unlimited finances , and on top of that, should I get an interview request, from that moment on, I'll be launched into high stress and pressure prep mode. So I went to the store. Twice. But I found some terrific pieces: a beautiful dark grey pants suit that looks absolutely tailored for me, and better fitting black jacket, a shell in my favorite violet color, and a good deal an a grown-up rolling carry-on suitcase. I liked the violet shell so much that I went back the next day and got the matching cardigan (how is it that I lived into my 30's and never knew the glory of cashmere? Ah yes, you say, you are a grad student and cannot afford cashmere. . . I always admired the colored when I saw it in catalogues--always noticed how the cashmere sweaters were brighter and offered in a much larger color spectrum . . . well, now I'm a believer. I also found (on the clearance rack) the most kick-ass celery colored jacket that one could imagine. Beautiful fabric, another perfect fit--the only slight drawback is that is has a hook & eye instead of a button, making it a bit more casual, but the best part is that it was only $59 (from $219).

Besides, one could make the argument that the process, if it were to be doomed, would have been doomed from the day that I booked the flight back from DC instead of Pittsburgh, thereby setting into motion an entire chain of events that predestined my job hunt to be futile and pointless. I don't really buy into that, but I'm not sure exactly why the suits seem different to my superstitious self.

Anyway, I hope the rest of you are having a better time of it than I am. I hate waiting, and that's what I'm doing. Trying to keep myself busy, but I hate that too. It's exhasting and something about it feels just artificial. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Turkey Day

2005-11-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!
Things are incredibly busy for me right now, with the job search and another orchestra concert coming up and my resular teaching (thankfully, testprep is over for the next several weeks!) I probably shouldn' have taken on a consulting project for the Council for Education or agreed to help my friend grade her exams this term, but I really need the money--even if I don't end up moving (which I might), I'm in the hole big time right now for sending out application materials and buying a couple suits (on sale on sale on sale!) in the event that I get to interview! Applying for jobs is EXPENSIVE!

Anyway, today, I am thankful for a couple things:

my family and my friends, especially during a very stressful time

my work, which I think might end up being important to someone besides me down the line

everyone who has given me advice or inspiration (and many of them have no idea how inspiring they really are, but I appreciate it nevertheless)

my cats for comanionship and comic relief

and finally, for today, the first day in weeks, literally, that I haven't had to be somewhere or do something or meet someone. I love that stuff, but it's been exhausting me lately, so I'm completely grateful to have a day or two to myself.

I hope everyone else is enjoying their turkey as much as I'm enjoying not having to worry about it . . .
:)

"Do you fall a lot?"

2005-10-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

It gets worse.
Yesterday as I hobbled my way to work I get to which I’m hobbling in a little bit), I saw LVR BEAR herself, and get this: she’s a grandmother! Well, I don’t know about whether or not she has grandkids, but she’s in her 50’s or 60’s! She seemed nice enough—we exchanged good mornings and all, but in my head I kept thinking “On my God! This is LVR BEAR! Holy Christ!” I would have never expected that one in a million years. I thought it would be some 18 year old undergrad. Apparently not.

As for the hobbling, the Shoes of Death have sruck again. I thought that I had taken care of the problem, but it rained Sunday night and Monday morning. The problem is this: the shoes, very cute black Kenneth Cole Mary Janes that I founds at my favorite store, Off-Broadway Shoes, have very slippery soles. Actually, the only thing that’s slick is the heel because it is made of very hard, unscuffable plastic. The shoes aren’t heels, to be clear, but they are without a doubt the most dangerous footwear I have ever owned. I have now fallen twice.

The first time was in Whole Foods about a month ago (no Jake Gyllenhall that time). I went down hard in front of the dairy case, and at the time, I thought it was because the floor was wet. (Turns out that it wasn’t). I had my schoolbag with me, and it was heavy, so the fall was bad. Thankfully, I didn’t twist my knee, I just landed on it hard. I had to ice for a good three days and ended up with an extraordinary colorful bruise. Took about a week to get back to normal.

After that, I went to the store and bought the no-skid pads that you stick on the bottoms of shoes to provide traction. I thought that this had solved the problem. I thought wrong. As I’ve said, I fell again on Monday, on campus this time. Went down right in front of my office this time and landed on the other knee. Thankfully there were no students around. It hurt. So I’m back to hobbling and the bruise is starting to bloom. I’ve very very glad that it’s fall now so that I can wear black stockings this weekend at the anniversary party I’m heading out to Vegas to attend. Wouldn’t that be great to show up in a nice dress, looking like a fifth grader who had just fallen off my bike?

So the shoes are on hiatus until further notice, which kinda sucks because I really like them, and need something to wear to work besides chuck taylors. But, I’d rather wear casual shoes than actually break my neck or really hurt myself.

But the best part is that then yesterday, I fell again! I was wearing sensible shoes, or boots, actually that are not slippery, wobbly or anything else. I still wiped out in the middle of campus, right in front of this group of 5 or 6 students who were walking along behind me. And on top of that, there was some kind of something being filmed on campus yesterday (it happens a lot). I didn’t fall on film, but I did manage to wipe out in front of one of the film crew. The guys just kinda watched it happen, and then after the students all began asking if I was okay, he seemed to realize that he should check on me too.
Here’s the conversation as I recall it:
Girl: Are you okay?
Guy: Are you hurt?
Me: I’m embarrassed, but I’m okay.
Guy: Don’t worry about it, we needed something to talk about anyway.
Girl: Are you sure you’re okay, that looked like it hurt.
Me: Actually no, this one didn’t really hurt.
Film crew guy: This one? Do you fall a lot?

Uh, no, yes, I don’t know. I don’t think of myself as a particularly clumsy person, but I have fallen twice in two days, and not just tripped or stumbled, but completely wiped out and ended up sprawled across the floor in a state of complete disarray.