A Case In Point

Last week, there was a debate on another blog that I like a lot: Gina’s Rant Spot. The issue was dating and relationships and the communication gap between the sexes where men think that women are all holding out for adonises (Jasmine, this may not apply to you ;) ), and women consequently are all unapproachable. My point was that plenty of men just don’t approach and use that as a convenient excuse. Let me be clear, however, about something, which is this: not any approach will do. Play it casual, don’t put too much pressure on the encounter. If you just want to have a conversation, that’s cool. It may lead to more, it may not, but if that’s what we’re talking about, I have no problem with you approaching me and saying “Hey, what’s up?” or whatever. If you have some other convoluted schemata or if you want way more than that from the get go, I’m put off immediately. Hence the case in point.

Yesterday, instead of coffee bean, I went to Starbucks—was meeting a friend for dinner, so I went in to Westwood early and was planning on reading some of the papers I have to get through before I head for point European next week. The Starbucks I chose was one quite close to campus, so a lot of students hang out there. I get my iced tea (on a hot day like yesterday, their passion fruit tea is TO DIE FOR, but the way).

It was hot yesterday—really hot. East coast humid, sticky hot. So in an effort to trick myself into feeling cool (and so that I wouldn’t wear clothes I am planning on packing!), I wore a dress—it was blue. Blue to me says, cool. Anyway, guess I was kinda dressed up, but that’s not the point, though it is relevant, I guess.

As I’m in line, I see a friend from the English Dept., so I put my stuff down on an open table and then go talk to her for a few minutes before settling down to work. I read for probably about an hour or 90 minutes and then I notice this napkin on my table. I was pretty sure it hadn’t been there when I sat down. I know I didn’t get any napkins. And I had been sitting there the whole time, so I have no idea when it got deposited on the table.

I go back to my work.
Eventually, my cup, which I had been refilling from a huge bottle of water I had brought with me once I finished my tea, started to sweat, so I picked up the napkin to put it under the drippy cup. As I am in the process of doing this, I notice that there is something written inside the napkin:

“You’re cute,” it said, “but are you 40% post-consumer?”

Hmmm. Smart, funny . . . but oh so elementary school, and where the Hell did it come from? I look around and see this 19 yr old employee looking at me. Great. The coffee guy has a crush on me—hey wait, free refill? Probably not. Besides, I’d have noticed a Starbucks guy walking pas the table with one of those uniforms on. Back to work.

Another hour passes and suddenly this guy that I had noticed when I first arrived because of his bad Hawaiian print shirt speedwalks past me from behind and as he passes he throws another napkin on my table. It’s obvious this time:

“DID YOU READ THE FIRST NAPKIN????”

Now, at this point I felt irritated, harassed, and embarrassed. What am I supposed to say now? “Uh, yeah, I read it.” Then what? I felt like I was back in 2nd grade on the playground passing notes. Why didn’t this guy just say something? Why the cryptic napkin notes? Would that work for anyone? All I know is that I was kinda turned off before I knew who it was from. It was like I had my own personal geeky stalker, except that he wouldn’t actually say anything or even look up and make eye contact. Weird.

No thank you.
I couldn’t stay there very long after that. I wanted to keep reading, but I didn’t want to risk getting another napkin on the table, so I pretended like I got a phone call and left.

If the same exact guy had just found a way to say something normal, like "what did you order? It looks good" or "Do you know what time it is?" or even "Man, it's HOT today. . ." I'd have at least responded by saying "Passion Fruit Iced Tea, you should try it some time--it's really good!" or "It's whatever o'clock." or "Yeah, it's like being on the east coast, it's so humid." And if I wanted to, I'd have just kept on going (with the conversation), or I'd have answered his question and gone back to what I was doing. I don;t know if he thought he was being clever or cute, or if he was just socially retarded (he looked like an engineer, so this is a possibility, and I say that with an engineer in my family!). . .

Cutesy, flirty gimmicks tend to mot work for me unless i'm already dating the guy. maybe I'm just too cynical, but I feel like those tricks are commpletely hollow when spent on complte strangers. It's more about the guy wanting to be seen and see himself as the kind of guy who can pick up random girls in Starbucks, and not at all about the girl herself. Of course, if Matt Damon or my latest crush, started dropping napkins on my table at starbucks, I'd swoon, even if the napkin had a piece of chewed gum in it, so perhaps it is all relative and I'm completely, impossibly unapproachable after all. Now if someone would just pass that on to napkin boy and the email guy from this weekend, we'd be in business . . .