I think I may actually be retarded

But finally got together with Al last night. Thankfully, there were no records of my multiple calls on his phone, so I was able to play it casual and cool. It's a strange thing, the drama that we can create for ourselves, all the more strange because I was fully aware at the time that it was all in my head, and I still felt rather helpless to get over myself. Turns out, he was working and hanging out with a friend who was visiting from overseas, and Jodi & Vanessa were right all along. He just got distracted and busy. I called him Monday night, and everything was fine. We went out last night, and it was really nice.

It's times like these that make me realize what a number my last relationship really did on me and the way I perceive my relationship to those around me. It still pisses me off to think of how wary and cynical I've become in certain aspects of my life, and just how deeply some insecurities run, insecurities, I might add, that a certain someone manipulated and took absolute full advantage of for way too long (but shame on me for allowing it to go on as long as it did without actually using my god-given spine to stand-up for myself!)

As time has passed, I've noticed a number of other women and their much healthier responses to relationships and other people, and I'm trying very hard now to cultivate the same in myself. In some respects, as much as I hate to admit it, it really does help to use the "What would _____ do?" mentality--the trick is figuring out the right name to fill in the blank. A friend of mine uses Carrie Bradshaw, and it seems to work for her, but I need to find my own . . .

Anyway, all of this comes at an absolute horrible time, and I'm not sure what I'm doing--here I was, had it made: no connections or major attachments (not to say that there are no very good friends here, but I mean nothing preventing me from taking a job in Boise, or Mobile or where ever on earth I might get a job), and what do I do but meet someone. So typical. But I can't, and I won't just cut myself off from life, from people, from experiences just because something might or might not happen a year from now. For now, things are good.