"Do you fall a lot?"

It gets worse.
Yesterday as I hobbled my way to work I get to which I’m hobbling in a little bit), I saw LVR BEAR herself, and get this: she’s a grandmother! Well, I don’t know about whether or not she has grandkids, but she’s in her 50’s or 60’s! She seemed nice enough—we exchanged good mornings and all, but in my head I kept thinking “On my God! This is LVR BEAR! Holy Christ!” I would have never expected that one in a million years. I thought it would be some 18 year old undergrad. Apparently not.

As for the hobbling, the Shoes of Death have sruck again. I thought that I had taken care of the problem, but it rained Sunday night and Monday morning. The problem is this: the shoes, very cute black Kenneth Cole Mary Janes that I founds at my favorite store, Off-Broadway Shoes, have very slippery soles. Actually, the only thing that’s slick is the heel because it is made of very hard, unscuffable plastic. The shoes aren’t heels, to be clear, but they are without a doubt the most dangerous footwear I have ever owned. I have now fallen twice.

The first time was in Whole Foods about a month ago (no Jake Gyllenhall that time). I went down hard in front of the dairy case, and at the time, I thought it was because the floor was wet. (Turns out that it wasn’t). I had my schoolbag with me, and it was heavy, so the fall was bad. Thankfully, I didn’t twist my knee, I just landed on it hard. I had to ice for a good three days and ended up with an extraordinary colorful bruise. Took about a week to get back to normal.

After that, I went to the store and bought the no-skid pads that you stick on the bottoms of shoes to provide traction. I thought that this had solved the problem. I thought wrong. As I’ve said, I fell again on Monday, on campus this time. Went down right in front of my office this time and landed on the other knee. Thankfully there were no students around. It hurt. So I’m back to hobbling and the bruise is starting to bloom. I’ve very very glad that it’s fall now so that I can wear black stockings this weekend at the anniversary party I’m heading out to Vegas to attend. Wouldn’t that be great to show up in a nice dress, looking like a fifth grader who had just fallen off my bike?

So the shoes are on hiatus until further notice, which kinda sucks because I really like them, and need something to wear to work besides chuck taylors. But, I’d rather wear casual shoes than actually break my neck or really hurt myself.

But the best part is that then yesterday, I fell again! I was wearing sensible shoes, or boots, actually that are not slippery, wobbly or anything else. I still wiped out in the middle of campus, right in front of this group of 5 or 6 students who were walking along behind me. And on top of that, there was some kind of something being filmed on campus yesterday (it happens a lot). I didn’t fall on film, but I did manage to wipe out in front of one of the film crew. The guys just kinda watched it happen, and then after the students all began asking if I was okay, he seemed to realize that he should check on me too.
Here’s the conversation as I recall it:
Girl: Are you okay?
Guy: Are you hurt?
Me: I’m embarrassed, but I’m okay.
Guy: Don’t worry about it, we needed something to talk about anyway.
Girl: Are you sure you’re okay, that looked like it hurt.
Me: Actually no, this one didn’t really hurt.
Film crew guy: This one? Do you fall a lot?

Uh, no, yes, I don’t know. I don’t think of myself as a particularly clumsy person, but I have fallen twice in two days, and not just tripped or stumbled, but completely wiped out and ended up sprawled across the floor in a state of complete disarray.