I think I may actually be retarded part deux

So funds have been extraordinarily tight as of late, and until now, I had no idea why. I don't make a ton of money, especially over the summer, but I'm used to cutting corners and watching my expenses. I ad budgeted out the summer funds so that I could take my trip and not starve afterwards, and still I looked at the bank account and nearly had a stroke earlier today when I realized that I could pay my rent and a bill or two, but that I'd have no cash until November 1. WTF?!

Until I took a closer look at my credit card statements and realized that genius that I am, I had managed to pay one of them (with a $900 balance--and that is astronomical for me!), not once, but TWICE! Not sure how I didn't notice it or what I was on at the time, but this makes all the difference in the world. I no longer have to eat PB&J for the entire month of October. Hooray!

On other fronts, I'm loving my new computer--it is awesome!
Not so loving the guy right now. I did finally hear from him and see him, twice actually, and when I'm with him, it's fun, but he is TERRIBLE with the follow through. How many times have I complained in the blog about him not calling? He's still doing it. The first was on Friday, he wa supposed to call me that afternoon when he got back from work, and we'd make a plan for that night since he was going out of town over the weekend, and the phone doesnt ring until 7. Apparently, he fell asleep. I was noticeably pissed, but let him off the hook and ended up spending the night with him. Not only did I have to give him the evil eye to get him out of ed to see me to the door (I'm beginning to think he was raised by wolves), but then he was supposed to call Sunday AM when I was out with a mutual friend whom he had been meaning to talk to for a while now, but whose number he keeps losing (I've given it to him twice). He didn't call again, but now at least, I know that it's not me. This time, I can't really blame him. I know he was with friends for a birthday, and there's no way that we're close to serious enough for him to time-out and call me while out with them. But a part of me keeps reminding me that if he wanted to call, he would find a way to call. ut I'm trying to tell that voce to shut up, because it's not serious, and I'm not even sure if I want it to be. The verdict is still out. And that's okay.

All in all, it's fine. Part of it is good for me to just realize that I can handle whatever it is and don't need to get all freaked out or insecure or whatever. That it's not the end of the world if I don't hear from him. That not all relationships are like the one-from hell that I was in before . . .

And bonus: I'm not broke!

How is it already Thursday night?!

I feel like I turned around and all of a sudden, the week is just gone!
It was supposed to be my time to make progress and headway with my own work since classes start up again on Monday. Did that happen? One guess.

But the upside is that I have a shiny new computer to play with since my beloved ibook passed away earlier in the week. Well, it didn't actually die--nothing so traumatic, but the display finally decided that it would no longer light up when all the way open. Alas, I had hope that she (yes, my computer was female) would see me through the dissertation, but it's on to better if not bigger things (both the ibook and my flashy new powerbook are the miniature size) . . . The moral of the story though, is to be sure and buy the extended warranty if you are considering a laptop.

On another, unrelated note, I just wanted to acknowledge that yesterday was the birthday of the late Mic Christopher, an Irish sing-songwriter, who left us too soon, and whose album, "Skylarkin" is where I got the name for my blog.

Wherever you are, Mic, I hope you're having the craic!

I think I may actually be retarded

But finally got together with Al last night. Thankfully, there were no records of my multiple calls on his phone, so I was able to play it casual and cool. It's a strange thing, the drama that we can create for ourselves, all the more strange because I was fully aware at the time that it was all in my head, and I still felt rather helpless to get over myself. Turns out, he was working and hanging out with a friend who was visiting from overseas, and Jodi & Vanessa were right all along. He just got distracted and busy. I called him Monday night, and everything was fine. We went out last night, and it was really nice.

It's times like these that make me realize what a number my last relationship really did on me and the way I perceive my relationship to those around me. It still pisses me off to think of how wary and cynical I've become in certain aspects of my life, and just how deeply some insecurities run, insecurities, I might add, that a certain someone manipulated and took absolute full advantage of for way too long (but shame on me for allowing it to go on as long as it did without actually using my god-given spine to stand-up for myself!)

As time has passed, I've noticed a number of other women and their much healthier responses to relationships and other people, and I'm trying very hard now to cultivate the same in myself. In some respects, as much as I hate to admit it, it really does help to use the "What would _____ do?" mentality--the trick is figuring out the right name to fill in the blank. A friend of mine uses Carrie Bradshaw, and it seems to work for her, but I need to find my own . . .

Anyway, all of this comes at an absolute horrible time, and I'm not sure what I'm doing--here I was, had it made: no connections or major attachments (not to say that there are no very good friends here, but I mean nothing preventing me from taking a job in Boise, or Mobile or where ever on earth I might get a job), and what do I do but meet someone. So typical. But I can't, and I won't just cut myself off from life, from people, from experiences just because something might or might not happen a year from now. For now, things are good.

it's thursday

10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately:

1. the Frames
2. doves
3. sufjan stevens
4. death cab for cutie
5. bell x1
6. spoon
7. new pornographers
8. the rags
9. teenage fanclub
10. matt pond pa




9 Things you look forward to:

1. finishing my dissertation
2. financial independence
3. the new season of Veronica Mars (who was at the damn door?!?!)
4. going back to Ireland
5. trip to Vegas with the family in October
6. having some real time off with no work to do or places to be
7. the frames concert in a few weeks
8. did I mention going back to Ireland?
9. ??


8 Things you like to wear:

1. jeans
2. oversized sweaters
3. baseball caps
4. silver jewelry
5. my watch
6. new glasses
7. plain white t-shirts
8. shoes that don't give me blisters


7 Things that anger you:

1. bad drivers
2. people who say they'll call and then don't
3. narrow-minded-ness
4. noisy neighbors
5. my own insecurities
6. lacksadasical students
7. people who cannot negotiate parking lots


6 Things you say most days:

1. motherf*cker
2. uh, okay
3. hey
4. ??
5. ??
6. ??
no idea--maybe I just don't pay enough attention?


5 Things you do everyday:

1. feed the cats
2. drink something wth caffeine
3. send too much time on the computer
4. listen to music
5. watch tv


4 People you want to spend more time with:

1. my friends
2. my family
3. perhaps a certain someone, though because he hasn't called me back, he may or may not make the final cut
4.


3 Movies you could watch over and over again:

1. the matrix (1)
2. sliding doors
3. anything by john hughes

2 Of your favorite songs at the moment:

1. "New Hampshire" Matt Pond PA
2. "I Turn My Camera On" Spoon

1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
haven't found him yet

NUMBER OF:

height: 5.6 1/2
shoe size: 8
hair color: light brown
siblings: 1 brother


LAST:
movie you rented: Homicide: LOTS (but it's tv show, not a movie)
movie you bought: House of flying daggers
song you listened to: almost forgot myself (doves)
person you've called: a friend
person that's called you: that same friend forgot to mention something when we spoke
person you had a dream about: my ex--no it wasn't romantic
show you've watched: house
person you were thinking of: my ex, wondering why I dreamed about him

DO:

you have a crush on someone: yep
you wish you could live somewhere else: yep
you believe in online dating: sure
others find you attractive: dunno--probably at least on occasion
you want more piercings: no, but if I could find a cool tattoo . . .
you like cleaning: cleaning what?
you write in cursive or print: depends on if I'm in a hurry or not

FAVORITE:

food: pizza
thing to do: read
drinks: diet coke, fresca, guinness
clothes: jeans
movies: didn't we cover this already?
holiday: anything where the university is closed. also like my birthday


HAVE YOU:

ever cried over a girl: no
ever cried over a boy: yes
ever been in a fist fight: no
ever been arrested: no


WHAT

shampoo do you use: kerastase volumactiv
shoes do you wear: right now, the shoes of death
are you scared of: i'm claustrophobic
number of people I would classify as true friends: a dozen
number of people I consider my enemies: none

FAVORITE:

disney movie: robin hood
word: ?
eye color: blue
flower: lily

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE:

pretty: dunno--sometimes
funny: sometimes
friendly? sometimes
amusing: sometimes
ugly: sometimes
loveable: my parents and cats seem to think so
sweet: sometimes
dorky: most of the time


DESCRIBE YOUR:

Wallet – grey, old, plain or large blue, tan and black, but too big to fit in most purses
Jewellry worn daily – a watch, silver earrings, and three silver rings
Pillow cover – right now I think it's white with an ivy print on it
Underwear – uhh . . . no thanks
Favorite shirt – flannel, oversized and cozy
Perfume/cologne/scent: etermity for men
CD in stereo right now – bell x1, "Music in Mouth," the Rags, "monsters & i" and "me & the moon"

meme

Stolen from Aunt Vanessa . . .


Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. graduate
2. find a real, adult job
3. become financially independent
4. get my dissertation published as a book
5. clean my apartment
6. travel
7. retire


Seven things I can do:
1. knit (scarves, nothing fancy)
2. write (though how well might be a matter of opinion)
3. make a mean assortment of desserts
4. play the viola
5. throw a great party
6. sing a kick a$$ karaoke version of "Sweet Child o' Mine"
7. recite all the prepositions in alphabetical order (aboard, about, above, across, after, against, along, amid . . .) and two soliloquy's from MacBeth that I memorized in the 9th grade ("Is this a dagger, which I see before me? It's handle toward my hand?" ) Yes, I know. It's freakish.

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Remember where I put my keys or parked my car
2. calculus equations
3. speak any foreign languages
4. kickbox
5. play the piano
6. imagine spatial relationships
7. stay mad when someone has asked me to forgive them


Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. british/irish accent
4. confidence
5. intelligence
6. taste in music
7. sense of humor


Seven things I say most often:
1. What's up?
2. Hey . . .
3. WTF?
4. yeah
5. m*therf*ucker
6. okay then
7. I have no idea.


Seven celebrity crushes:
1. kyle secor
2. matt damon
3. cillian murphy
4. chris noth
5. hugh grant
6. josh duchamel (or however you spell it)
7. jake gyllenhall

sorry, sorry, sorry!

But my prolonged absence hasn't been entirely my own fault--have been having rather profound and irritating internet difficulties . . . but never fear, after four cals to my friendly neighborhood adelphia personnel, not only do I have new acquaintances in far-flung places, but the cable guy is coming to my home in a few hours to check it all out. This has reached tragic dimensions because over the weekend, not only did my internet keep hitting the fritz, but then it began to affect my TV cable too! One tivo works, the other doesn't. This is strange because they are both in the same rooom, on the same cable line, hooked into the same tv, and to my knowledge, absolutely nothing has changed in my apartment (aside from me running the vacuum cleaner!) in the last week.

I hate technology. Or rather, I should say that I hate how dependent I am on technology. I mean, it would probablt be easier for me to deal with having trouble breathing than to deal with trouble getting on-line. Part of it, I'm sure, is that I know what to do if having trouble breathing--I mean, duh! go to the doctor. but computers, that's a whole other problem.

Anyway, this is all a long way to say that I've been having some trouble with the internet connection, so I've not died, fallen off the planet, been easten by a crocodile or managed (yet) to knock myself unconscious with the 1000 page biography I should have finished by now.

It's kinda strange though because ever since I returned to the US, it seems like a lot of my stuff is breaking or breaking down or just refusing to work. I already blogged about the car. Also, have been having trouble with my toilet (the water just keeps running and running--finally broke down and called absentee flakey apartment manager yesterday), now the modem and a tivo, my cell phone (but I've known it was crap for a long time, so this is hardly surprising), and ow this AM, it turns out that my microwave doesn't work either. The cup of tea that I forgot about and wanted to reheat was just a icy when it came out of the microwave as it was when it went in. . . oh well, didn't need a hot beverage anyway. . . .

I hope this is all setting me up for a run of unqualified success since the job market looms. the list of open academic positions comes on-line in two weeks . . .